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RJspetkitten
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Posted 5:08 pm, 05/28/2009
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Gotta love Little Johnny!
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Satan
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Posted 5:07 pm, 05/28/2009
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The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence....Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'.
Little Johnny raised his hand.The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word, 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering. Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
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Satan
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Posted 4:06 pm, 05/27/2009
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A blonde and a brunette were talking the blonde asks "what do you do for dandruff?"
The brunette replied,"My boyfriend has it so I gave him "Head & Shoulders".
"Hmmmm" ...The blonde thought for a bit and with a perplexed look and asked. "How do you give shoulders.?"
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Quackquack
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Posted 9:55 pm, 05/26/2009
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I liked the super glue joke
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jaybo
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Posted 9:50 pm, 05/26/2009
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Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
~~~~
One day, the Mayor of Whatsville came to Little Johnny's house to see his mother.
"Little Johnny," said the mayor. "Is your mother home?"
"Yes, but she's in the shower."
"What about your father?"
"Yes, but he's in the shower."
"Are they going to be long?"
"Yeah," said Johnny.
"Why's that?"
"They asked for vaseline...and I gave them Superglue!"
~~~~
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
~~~~
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
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jaybo
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Posted 6:51 pm, 05/08/2009
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NEW BASKIN-ROBBINS FLAVOR
In Honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, " Barocky Road ."
Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes. The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The Cost is $100.00 per scoop.
When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.
Aren't you feeling stimulated?
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NeedItNow
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Posted 4:59 pm, 05/08/2009
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So there are these 2 aliens that have crash landed on earth.
It is the middle of the night so no one is up and around. This being the 1st time the aliens have been to our planet they ahd no idea what humas look like. Just so happens they are at a gas station and they walk up to the gas pump. The first alien walks up to the pump and says"Take me to you leader" of course the pump sits there. Again the alien says "take me to your leader", same thing. So after the 3rd time the alien is getting mad and pulls his weapon. At this point the other alien says he doesnt think it is such a good idea and they should leave. The first alien says "I am giving you the count of 3 and I am going to blast your a**!** "1.." the other alien is trying to talk him out of it the whole time "2.." the other ones is saying please lets just got come on man..."3..BOOOOM", the first alien shot the pump and the aliens flew back 100 feet. when they came to the alien that didnt do the shooting says "Man! I told you kot to do that!!" First alien "how did you know that was going to happen"? (second alien) Because man! anybody that can wrap their d**K around themselves 2 times and stick it in their ear is one bad mother F***r!!
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foggymorning
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Posted 4:55 pm, 05/08/2009
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Okay, I wouldn't normally tell a joke this crude, but...
There were three dogs sitting in a waiting room of a vets office. The first was a chihuahua, the second was a boxer and the third a great dane. The boxer asked the chihuahua what he was in for. "Neuter- they caught me humping the cat". The boxer shook his head sadly. "Me, too. I was humping my masters pillow". The great dane nodded wisely. "My mistress was cleaning the tub with a skirt on. I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and now I'm here". The chihuahua looked shameful for a moment then said, "Well, now we're all going to be eunichs." The great dane shook his head and said, "No, I'm only here for a nail trim."
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Let It Be
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Posted 4:25 pm, 05/08/2009
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A chuckle for the day. Enjoy!
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God�s chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
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TYPRO
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Posted 4:22 pm, 05/07/2009
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ALL GOOD ONES 
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Satan
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Posted 3:01 pm, 05/07/2009
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once apon a time there were three kids.
a blond, a brunette, and a redhead.
the redhead found a lamp and she rubbed it and a genie came out.
the genie said go down that slide and while your going down, shout out your favorite drink and ull land in it.
the brunette went down it and said chocolate milk!!
and she landed in chocolate milk.
the redhead went down it and she said SPRITE!!
and she landed in sprite.
the blonde went down it and she said WEEEE!!�
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jaybo
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Posted 10:13 pm, 05/05/2009
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Wrong e-mail address
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier..
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
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AsHappyAsIfIHadGoodSense
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Posted 10:07 pm, 05/05/2009
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LOCAL BAR SUES CHURCH
In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started a building
to open up their
business. The local Baptist church started a campaign of
petitions and prayers
to block the bar from opening. Work progressed,
however, right up till the
week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the
bar and it burned to the
ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook
after that, till the bar
owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was
ultimately
responsible for the demise of his building, either through
direct or indirect actions
or means. The church vehemently denied all
responsibility or any connection to
the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge
looked over the paperwork.
At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how
I'm going to decide this, but as
it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who
believes in the power
of prayer, and an entire church congregation that
doesn't."
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Bronwyn
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Posted 10:02 pm, 05/05/2009
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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars & forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.
"YES!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then," my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
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jaybo
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Posted 10:00 pm, 05/05/2009
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DON'T FART IN BED'
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard,let me know and I'll send up a prayer for you!!!
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waist band of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'
'What do you mean?' asked his wife.
'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!!!
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jaybo
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Posted 10:00 pm, 05/05/2009
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