Username : Prank Call Of Cthulhu
Birthday : January 19, 1976
From : My mom
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Description :
"I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" -Chandler Bing
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but remember that love leaves a memory no one can steal." - The Game
I'm a smart ass, in case you can't tell by most of my posts. If you have an issue with this, please fill this out http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3574/3499391100_022d81c6d2_o.jpg and get back to me.
About Me
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He's super cool, and he knows Kung Fu!
On religion : Personally, I am agnostic, which means I don't know either way about a higher being. On one hand, I see no direct evidence for a God, but on the other hand I know enough quantum mechanics and cosmology to say that there are some numbers that work out just a little too perfectly for chance.
I do, however, think that the Bible can be a good guidebook. That is, if you actually read the book and don't just let some smiling millionaire thump you about the head and shoulders with it while trying to control your life. I see all of these people wearing gold crosses around their necks and practicing something far different from the Christianity I've read about in their favorite book. The Bible I have here teaches that you should be good to other people, and to not make a big show about your faith on every occasion, and to pay your taxes. What I see today are people who are nasty and sanctimonious, who beat their chests about wearing a symbol of suffering and torture, and who decry every tax that keeps our society running. I consider these people to be Pharisees.
On me getting married : I will now recite a quote to you from one of my best friends. "You are to the institution of marriage what Heath Ledger's Joker character was to Gotham City. The viewer is torn between being appalled by the shockingly unstable freak behavior they are witnessing and their primal id desire to see their constructs burned to the ground around them."
On immigration : Anyone who wants to take the effort of getting across a river, through a desert, and overland somehow to land a job without speaking the local language, and to get an apartment and food and clothing and all of that while STILL managing to send money home every month, deserves to be allowed in. I'm not a service=citizenship wacko, but every-- EVERY-- illegale I know of busts their ass harder than most people who were born here. Including me, and probably you too. This is the goddamned Land of Opportunity, and anyone who'll bust their ass at a shiat job to make it a little easier for their family should be allowed in. End of farking story.
What I think of the 'War On Terror' :
-- "Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger." - Herman Goering
-- "Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one." - Benjamin Franklin
How the magical quesadilla was created
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And yea, Jesus walked to the beach, and he saw the masses struggling mightily with their nets.
"O Lord," Simon Peter spake. "We have been casting our nets since dawn, and have yet to catch a single fish."
Jesus thought for a moment, and a wrinkle crossed His brow.
"Bring to me all the foodstuffs that remain," He commanded Simon Peter.
Simon Peter piously trotted to his cart, and returned moments later, his arms full of unleavened bread, pickled peppers, onions, and salted meats.
"Here, my Lord" he spake as he dropped his goods on the ground. "I do as You say, however I do not understand Your intention."
Jesus dismissed him with a wave, and a Chorus of Angels descended upon Him. Within moments, the Chorus ascended back to the Heavens, leaving Jesus with enough quesadillas for all the fishermen.
And they ate and fished until sundown. The Lord had bestowed upon them Miracles of The Holy Quesadilla. They bowed their heads in reverence.
And this is why, when presented with the Eucharist at Catholic services, the proper response is always "Chicken". Or "Beef". Depends on the mood.
Likes / Dislikes :
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Likes : Chinese food, movies with plots that take more than one viewing to understand, politics, Motown music, film festivals, religion and spirituality as a whole, intelligent self-assured women, mythology, abolishing attachment
Dislikes : Dis one here dislikes being broke.
I'm a movie-lovin' dude. I enjoy a wide range of films, including the works of Akira Kurosawa, Jean Renoir, Ingmar Bergman, Alfred Hitchcock, Yasujiro Ozu, and Michael Mann. That said, there's still a place in my heart for Z-grade films.
I am not old enough to tell you to get off my yard.
I tend to hold the door for ladies and the elderly.
I talk a lot of smack and usually won't respect you if you can't talk it back.
How I didn't spend my 21st birthday
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I wanted to rent a tux, a cane, a top hat, a monocle, and a limo for my 21st birthday.
I wanted to go to all the liquor stores in the area and look at all the bottles real snootily.
I would say things like "Pardon me, sirrah, but I wish to sample your finest wares!" and "What manner of balderdash is the price of these refreshments? A lot of fiddle-faddle, I do declare!"
Sadly, this plan never materialized.
Latest conversation that proves I'm an asshole
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Me and my friend Todd were having a conversation, and it goes like this....
Todd : "Come here, son, I have a good story to tell you."
Me: "Do I *have* to?"
Todd : "Listen, you sonuvabiatch, you don't have to resent my every waking moment."
Me: "Well, actually, I kinda do..."
Todd : "Sit the fark down and listen to my friggin' story."
Me: "... FINE."
Todd : "You're gonna love this. I'm not proud of this, but in hind sight, it was kinda cool."
Me: "You know, hindsight is just one word. No space. I'm just sayin'."
Todd : "Zip it, you little cretin!"
Me: "..."
Todd : "Okay. Now, I was in college-"
Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Todd : "Shut your trap. Shut it up. Shut it up right the hell now."
Me: "..."
Todd : "Okay, so, I was dating someone in college..."
Me: "Was it Mom?"
Todd : "... well..."
Me: "Crepes on a cracker, you're not very good at this."
Todd : "THIS IS MY NARRATIVE, SHIAT-FOR-BRAINS, NOT YOURS. Anyways... I was seeing her, right?"
Me: "Yes. At the risk of being redundant, you were seeing someone in college."
Todd : "Okay, now get this..."
Me: "..."
Todd : "... she beat me up for cheating on her."
Me: "... and?"
Todd : "That's it. I got beat up for cheating on her."
Me: "..."
Todd : "..."
Me: "You're a pussy and you suck at telling stories. I'm gonna go watch Power Rangers."
KarateKitten : "When a guy says 'GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback?"
Spades : "Well, you better come back with a god damn sandwich"
Ne2D : It is a truth universally acknowledged that a doctor in possession of a Captain America costume must be in need of a burrito in his pants.
I am never going to give you up; never going to let you down; never going to run around; or desert you. (Yes, I love Rick Astley jokes....)
I know my profile sucks. Updating it and expanding it is one of those tasks I always mean to get around to doing and never manage to do, just like a bunch of other tasks (cleaning out the garage, vacuuming the trunk of the car, trimming my taint, that sort of thing). But I post enough around here that, if you've been around for awhile, you probably have a fairly good idea about what I think about things.
However, most likely you're here because something I said upset you. Unless I said "...you, sir...." in the comment, I probably wasn't serious. And even if I was, you probably need to grow a pair.
My fantasy
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I have had a fantasy that I have carried with me for many, many years, and when I started with the fantasy, it went something like this:
I have a watch. It's a stopwatch. And I keep it in my pocket all the time.
If I click the stopwatch, then all time and space stop. It's as if everything becomes a still picture. Except (as the years have passed and the fantasy has been refined), certain laws of physics still apply. For example, if I am driving down the street, and I hit the stopwatch, my car won't "freeze," thus causing me whiplash. I can use electrical appliances by turning them on or off, as in "real time." Also, I can turn on a faucet and water will flow normally. Things like that.
I used to fantasize that if I saw a beautiful woman, I would click this watch and then I would go up to the beautiful woman, and I would undress her. This was when I was, like, an uncontrollably horny 16 or 17. I'd click the watch, and...do things...and then when I clicked the watch back, things would go on. As if there had been no violation.
Then that guy came out and wrote "Vox," essentially putting this fantasy into serious literature. I never read it. Didn't want to spoil it.
But then I realized as I got older that the fantasy would change. Yes, there would be a beautiful woman, and yes, when I clicked the watch, there would be touching, but there would also be more. I would kiss her. Or fix her hair. Or take a twenty because I left my wallet at home.
In the last couple of years, the fantasy has rarely--rarely--been sexual. As I have gotten older, I still have the fantasy, but it's different: The asshat who just cut me off in traffic in his Beemer? Yeah, I click the watch, walk up to his car, and change his radio station to a religious station, turn the volume all the way up, and I break off the knobs. Pedophiles have received unfriendly treatment at my hands. One minute they are walking down the street to Court and the next second they feel intense pain in their groin...and discover something fleshy and wet in their pockets.
Or I will fantasize that I used the watch to go to every 7-Eleven in the country (oh, I don't age in stop-time) and take 5 dollars, until I am rich. Or that I use the watch to get much needed sleep. Or to catch up on my work day.
But every now and then...just every now and then, mind you...there is a sad-looking woman in this fantasy world who is walking down the street. And she passes by a sort of dumpy looking guy, and he smiles, and she sort of manages a smile even though it's been a sh*t day and a sh*t life, and then there's this almost imperceptible little shift in her perception, and she goes about her day. When she gets home she goes to the bathroom to get in the shower, and when she undresses she stops, slack-jawed and unbelieving at the evidence of supernatural magic that has occurred.
Somehow, somewhere, someone has written in thin marker across the space just below her clavicle the words, "Don't be afraid. You have a beautiful face. I just wanted you to know that."
Find a fantasy and let it evolve. It's fun.
The one time I tried online dating
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I once sent the following message to a girl on an online dating site (this is paraphrased but I promise I'm not misrepresenting it): "hi my name is . I have tickets to and nobody to go with. Would you be interested?"
The reply I got was, "I don't know you. This sounds like something a serial killer would do." So I guess what I learned from this is that when you go to an online dating site, you only date people you already know.
Anyway, I relied, "Well technically, I'm not a *serial* killer until I've murdered at least two people." She blocked me after that. heh.
My favorite "Picking Up A Girl At A Bar" joke
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A guy walks up to a girl in a club and says: "Damn, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I don't want to seem crass but i like to just cut to the chase. I'll give you 1 million dollars if you sleep with me". She looks at him and says "are you farking kidding me?" He says "No, this is not a joke. I have a million dollars in cash and I will give it to you if you sleep with me". She contemplates this for a moment and decides..."1 million dollars? Fine. Ok, I'll do it"...then the guy says..."actually...how about 10 dollars instead". She gets furious and says "What the fark do you think I am?" the guy replies "We've already established what you are. We're just negotiating the price".
Views On Life That Made Me Laugh
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NoseBrain: Liking Moulin Rouge is one of those things that instantly makes me lose respect for someone. Like if you're an otherwise good person who is a Nazi sympathizer, or you give to charity but also drown puppies in your backyard.
oldfarthenry: Ah Vista. It's like the newest patient in a nursing home. You hope for a new backgammon partner but he just sits & stares - and shiats himself.
februarymakeup: YOU HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION. YOU HAVE A BROWSER. YOU HAVE A KEYBOARD. WHY DO YOU STILL NOT KNOW HOW TO CONJUGATE A VERB?
BeanFreak: That's why I only get blow jobs and go down on chicks with Down Syndrome. They don't make these crazy distinctions. It's just, "phark dee peeenie! phark dee poooosie!" out of their mouths. It's music to my ears.
iramatated on how she spent her afternoon: Well first I decided that I would spend a little time making shadow puppets against the wall. When I got bored with that I thought it would be fun to paint little faces on all of my toes and put together a little play to entertain myself and right when the pinky toe was about to have a knife fight with my big toe my boss walked in and reminded me that we had an interview to do so I needed to put my pants back on.
Which was really lucky for me because that fuuker pulled out a big knife.
miseducated: I occasionally use the spare key to my girlfriend's apartment to sneak in while she's not home, and squeeze off a couple rounds in her pillowcase.
Funny how, like drowning kittens in a cistern, this is one of those things that brings about feelings of horrible, horrible shame, then becomes as easy as raping homeless people the more often you do it.
No Time For Love, Dr Jones
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Getting him to lose weight is a very simple thing. My wife gained an enormous amount of weight in the first few years of our marriage. I, of course, stayed incredibly sexy. This did not bode well with me. The soultion is easy. Once he falls asleep, you tie him to the bed. Make sure it is tight. He can't break free or it won't work. Next, you call up his father and ask him to come over to the house. Once his father gets there, you use a tazer and knock him out. Take the old f*ckers body over to the bed, strip him naked, and position it so that his gray, sagging, nutsack and ween are right on your boyfriends face. Next, you take all of your boyfriend's favorite foods and cram them in his mouth. Scream, "YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE YOUR FATHER'S C*CK IN YOUR FACE, YOU FAT F*CK?" Do it for hours. He'll never pig out again. Simple aversion therapy. Worked for my wife. Of course, her mother's dead so I had to do a little extra work and dig her up. It was worth it, though. She's a size 2.
Brown_Eyed_Babe : I know two people on GoWilkes who have newborns. One of them is totally bangable.
Spades : How ugly is the other newborn?
Teh funneh
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submitter:Come on, guys. It's Friday afternoon ... where's my $1.25 worth of a trainwreck??
iramatated:Sorry, I've been at lunch.
bigcathead:Who you eating today?
Uberchief:I'm sure corn dogs fit into the equation somewhere.
Shiat talking Mushrooms:I would end your life for a corn dog right about now. Nothing personal.
iramatated:GIVE ME AN ADDRESS SO I CAN SEND YOU CORN DOGS
Myself on heart attacks : I went to the doctor for chest pains. He told me to quit masturbating.
I asked him why, and he said "Because the X-Rays keep coming out blurry".
A poem. A poem about a giant. A sad poem about a giant.
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A man who was known for his work at the bar,
mixes drinks by day, at night, played guitar.
And then one night for no reason at all,
He grew and he grew and reached thirteen feet tall.
Seeing this, his patrons exclaimed in delight:
"He's a man by day, and a giant at night!"
"Please, please," he said, "It's not bad as you think!
Just pour me another fabulous drink!"
He drank 15 shots and drank 15 more,
Ten gallons of beer and a whole liquor store.
He stumbled and bumbled and swayed to and fro,
"Forsooth!" he did cry, "I can't take it no mo'!"
He ate twenty hamburgers to make him stronger,
And then when they thought that he could drink no longer,
He gave a suprise no one imagined in store,
He jumped right up and asked for 15 more,
A bourbon, a vodka, a whiskey or two,
He said he wouldn't stop drinking till his liver turned blue.
His liver, sensing danger, signalled his gut
Which turned tail and ran, leaving him in a rut.
Liverless, powerless, and now less of a man,
He cried just as much as a drunk giant can.
Forever doomed to a life drinking soda,
He guzzled a case, and his stomach explod-a.
He fell to the ground with a "thud" and a "thump."
One curious patron leaned against his giant rump.
"How will we move him--he won't fit in a car!"
They decided to make his dead body the bar.
They served drinks on his head, and drinks on his shoes,
And served true body shots that no one could refuse.
There he stayed--this is true--and if you've never tried it.
Be brave, take a shot off of our friend, the giant.
Some Random Song Lyrics About Jesus
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Jesus was way cool.
Everybody liked Jesus.
Everybody wanted to hang out with him
Anything he wanted to do, he did
He turned water into wine
And if he wanted to
He could have turned wheat into marijuana
Or sugar into cocaine
Or vitamin pills into amphetamines
He walked on the water
And swam on the land
He would tell these stories
And people would listen
He was really cool.
If you were blind or lame
You just went to Jesus
And he would put his hands on you
And you would be healed
That's so cool.
He could've played guitar better than Hendrix
He could've told the future
He could've baked the most delicious cake in the world
He could've scored more goals than Wayne Gretzky
He could've danced better than Baryshnikov
Jesus could have been funnier than any comedian you can think of
Jesus was way cool.
He told people to eat his body and drink his blood
That's so cool.
Jesus was so cool.
But then some people got jealous of how cool he was
So they killed him
But then he rose from the dead.
He rose from the dead, danced around
Then went up to heaven
I mean, that's so cool.
Jesus was way cool.
No wonder there are so many Christians.
The lyrics to O Lord What Can I Say
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Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in
O lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Try to burn my toubles away
Drown my sorrows the same way
Seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there's something just missing inside
O lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
O lord what can I say
How rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned
O lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
O lord what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
O lord what can I say
The way I envisioned myself & Sassymama meeting for the first time
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I was a fresh-faced youngster new to the big city working as a bellhop in a swanky hotel downtown. You were sophisticated and beautiful, with a long cigarette holder and a dismissive air. I brought your bags to your room. You brought your baggage to my heart and loins. At the end of the evening, you were smearing lipstick all over your face in the mirror and I was struggling against the restraints. There were more bags to be carried, but I was committed to the bags you would create under my eyes. Before long, our exhaustion overcame us, and when I was evicted from my job and you were evicted from the swanky hotel, you sped off in a taxi and I inhaled its exhaust deeply; knowing this last breath of poison was killing what was left of my childhood.
A question was asked..... Why do guys always pick the thin, dumb girls with too much makeup instead of the confident, nice ones that really love them? And here are the best answers
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Tofu - instinct. We're attracted to women who can bear the healthy offspring.
If it makes you feel any better, it's not an exclusivity instinct, just a prioritization instinct - meaning, after we bang the healthy chick, we'll be right with. Now serving number 29.
Women have instincts too. Let's not get all high and mighty.
EddyAtWork - Because women like you don't exist, troll. All women want a man who treats them like crap while sucking as much out of his wallet as she can. Oh, and you would rather spend money on your cat or the all you can eat food bar at Golden Corral then on a guy.
KoalaFace - For the same reason girls walk all over those nice guys that will treat you like a damn princeess that have been friend-zoned in favor of pompous orange muscular douchebags that will treat you like shiat.
Parade Of The Nice Guys :
MAN ONE
Nice guy. I get that a lot.
MAN TWO
If I hear a woman say to me, "all I want to do is meet a nice guy", I swear I'm gonna throw up.
MAN THREE
The same woman that says that, every time she meets a nice guy, she runs away screaming down the street.
MAN FOUR
And hops into the convertible of the first dick with a lotta cash that comes along, who will treat her like shiat.
MAN ONE
She'll go out with someone who will treat her like absolute garbage, then come cry on my shoulder about it. Then he snaps her fingers and off she goes to perform perverted pet tricks for him.
MAN TWO
It sucks to be a nice guy.
MAN THREE
It does. Women don't respect nice guys.
MAN FOUR
That whole, "nice guys finish last" saying, they weren't making that shiat up. It came from somewhere.
MAN ONE
Whenever a babe tells me she just wants to be friends, I know it's all over.
MAN TWO
In other words, she's gonna tell me all her problems and get help from me when she needs it, without giving anything back in return.
MAN THREE
Especially farking, there will be no farking of friends or nice guys.
MAN FOUR
So I get the responsibility of being a boyfriend without any of the perks. It's like working at a really hard job and not getting a paycheck or recognition.
MAN ONE
So after she dumps all her shiat on me, as a "friend", she leaves to go fark the asshole that's giving her all the problems. So basically I'm like an emotional douche.
MAN TWO
Sweet and minty-fresh.
MAN THREE
And promptly discarded with the rest of the garbage.
MAN FOUR
Bloody, beaten and used.
MAN ONE
So for all you women out that say there ain't any nice guys out there . . .
MAN TWO
There are, you're just not farking any of them.
MAN THREE
So do yourself a favor, go out, find a nice guy today.
MAN FOUR
You won't have to look far. Find one fast.
MAN ONE
Find a nice guy and fark his brains out. You won't be sorry.
A product or service that could use improvements and what I have done about it
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Pussy.
I think there should be a tongue in there. Fark that, two tongues!
I wrote a letter, but I don't know who to send it to.
My favorite pick-up line
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Your mom told me to pick you up from school. (Ok, bad taste, but hey, it's not what you read on any other profiles)
Barnacles! on whether or not American Indians had the wheel
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Of COURSE they had the wheel, dumbass. How else could they set up the roulette table at the Indian Casinos?
Quotes that have served me well
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Elsa Maxwell - I don't hate anyone. I dislike. But my dislike is the equivalent of anybody else's hate.
Bill Hicks - I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
Dr. Gregory House - We are selfish, base animals crawling across the earth. But because we've got brains, if we try real hard, we can occasionally aspire to something that is less than pure evil.
Sartre - Hell is other people.
The_Flatline: My grandmother (of all people) taught me before you get it on with a girl, get your fingers in her and then smell them. If that smell isn't something you want to stick in your mouth, for god's sake don't stick your dick in there! Grandma is hardcore.
SamSap: The only way you're going to lose 60 pounds in two months is if you saw your leg off.
Handsome Jack Manitoba:Now, now. That's not true.
She could also pay a midget to saw her leg off.
Zerk Schrader: The real question is not, "Why did McCain lose", but "What are extreme Right freak-potatoes going to imagine in their turpentine-filled heads, and how will those diseased thoughts serve to entertain those of us who distill the crazy from the internet and publish it upon a site of newsical agglomeration?"
I welcome the insanity. I welcome it not because my side won and the other side lost, but because all of us-- Independents, Libertarians, Democrats, Republicans, and whatnot can forget our differences from time to time and laugh our heads off at the guy stockpiling McRib sammiches in his flag-slathered underground shelter because he truly thinks that God told him that Obama wants to make him a Muslim.
A Muslim who welcomes a tax to fund scientists who are looking for a serum to make us gay.
Roook: Some mornings I'm like a military sniper. Some mornings I'm like a Stormtrooper shooting at Han Solo. There's just no way to know until you start firing.
10.0.0.1: Whenever I find myself in disagreement with the fairer sex, I reach into my pants. If there's a penis there, I know I'm wrong and quickly apologize.
FloydA: How can one be "pro-evolution"? Is that like "pro gravity" or "pro-thermodynamics"?
I can just imagine the protests:
"What do we want?"
"Differential reproduction of variant alleles!"
"When do we want it?"
"Over the course of generations!"
oldfarthenry: Jack Russells have OCD, ADHD and secret crack addictions. Put a thousand of the yappy little freaks on a treadmill device and we could generate enough electricity to power the planet!
Stays Crunchy in Milk: God really only cares about how many people are following him, and not so much if they read what he said. Hey, God twitters!
Kome: What's not excellent about putting a sign in an empty room saying "All the evidence in favor of creationism can be found in this room."?
ninjakirby: It's a waste of a perfectly good room. They should just rope off a handicap parking spot and put the sign there.
boobsrgood We can all dream of the day when the human race achieves a consensus that a small child's reamed out cornhole is more of sin than disrespecting a bronze age book of fairy tales and the cross-dressers who want you to obey it.
How to have a fun alcohol-free date
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Freestyling and beatboxing.
You throw up a beat and she has to freestyle to it. When she drops a rhyme then it's your turn to get ill with your defest skillz. If she's all sensitive, go old school with some party jams or De La, but if she's all gangsta then roll with the bling and Cristal.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES think that it is Ok to steal beatz or rhymez from Dr. Dre without appropriate credit.
Remember: this is a fun freestyle, like you and your boys used to do on the stoop on summer eves before you discovered 40s and chronic, save your best busts for if some guy tries to take your girl and you have to have a rap/beat off. Then it's on.
Also, don't be afraid to work some dance moves in. Chicks dig guys who can freestyle/beat while popping and locking
Answers to the question 'How many women is it possible to juggle at one time? '
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FlyingPig : Depends on how heavy they are. I like to get the really small ones and go for height on the throw.
Chud21 : Do you have large hands?
Professorkowalski : According to my cousin in Tokyo, 5. A cocktail waitress, a pole dancer, a hotel receptionist, a flight attendant, and another pole dancer.
I Said : I never juggle women. I prefer to balance them instead. I'm getting quite good. I can stack about 13 ladies on top of each other, 15 if we're indoors or theirs no wind.
How to classify me politically
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Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
The best toast I have ever heard and now the one I use whenever I go out drinking :
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Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting, and drinking. If you cheat, may you cheat death. If you steal, may you steal a woman's heart. If you fight, may you fight for a brother. If you drink, may you drink with me.
How can you tell what is beautiful?
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Beth: I'm not being nasty. You're pretty. You're very pretty in fact. But cute, I don't think so.
Lisa: Well I wasn't aware there was a difference.
Beth: Well of course there is a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or hyperactive - like me.
Lisa: Uh huh. What is beautiful?
Beth: Beautiful means pretty and tall.
Lisa: Gorgeous?
Beth: Pretty with great hair.
Lisa: Striking?
Beth: Pretty with a big nose.
Lisa: OK, you're making this up.
Beth: That's ridiculous, why would I make it up?
Lisa: Voluptuous?
Beth: Pretty and fat.
Lisa: Sexy?
Beth: Pretty and easy.
Lisa: Exotic?
Beth: Ugly
The great battle that happened when I introduced myself to Dixichick85
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In the olden days, there was a man named Prank Call who had mounds of gold and lots of babes running around, for this was how it was in these days. Then, these dirty hippy pirates decided to setal the mounds of gold.
They surrounded the castle, but on the way to the castle, they came across DixiChick85 living in her mud hut, and decided to take her hostage.
I digress though....
Once the pirates surrounded the castle, everybody started to freak. Except for Prank Call, who was like "chill ye homies, I'll handle this dung".
The pirates stood outside the castle walls and were like �You think you are so cool, but guess what, you�re not. Good luck dying!� Then Prank Call replied �Yeah right. How would you like to meet my best friends?�
Then out of nowhere there was a small sound of a guitar wailing really really hard behind the hills. The wailing started getting louder and louder and louder. Then out of nowhere there was this one sweet ass ninja standing on top of a huge hill. Everybody was like �Woooooooooooow!� He was wearing all black and he had this jet red guitar in his hands. Then smoke smoked over the hills like trains. But the smoke was ninjas. And the pirates saw about a billion ninjas with guitars standing on top this his huge hill. And they started to wail�
When the ninjas wailed on their guitars, the pirates started spraying diarrhea on each other and loved it. And when they wailed harder, the pirates sprayed harder. As the ninjas sauntered down the hill, the pirates� chests and butts exploded. (They died from this.)
While this was happening, DixiChick85 starting weeping softly. Not from being grossed out from all the violence, but because she had a pirate boyfriend and now he was destroyed. Prank Call, in a later episode, gave her a tissue that never dried up and could be used ot wipe her tears away forever.
However, back to the story....
The ninjas finally reached the boss pirate who was really huge.
.Out of nowhere the boss pirate pulled out this baby banjo and tried to fiddle with it like a little baby-baby. The ninjas were like �Yeah right.� and all the billions of ninjas surrounded the boss pirate. Half of the ninjas all combined to form the biggest guitar in the universe. The other half formed the second biggest boner in the universe. Then the huge guitar pointed right at the pirate, who was like �Holy CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!�
Then there was this huge concert at the castle. All the babes in the castle morphed into this humongous female crotch. The huge boner and crotch porked softly, while slamming into the guitar and wailing. And guess what, Prank Call sat on top of this huge pile of gold and babes and laughed his frigg�n ass off about how stupid the pirates were.
And what happened to Dixi you asked? She got a job in the city, working very hard every night and day. Big wheel keep on turning, Proud Mary keep on burning.....
Random Facts To Look At
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-- If you can believe that Carmen Sandiego can easily elude capture while wearing the same damn red coat and fedora day-in and day-out, you can believe that nothing is impossible. Thank you, Carmen, for stealing our hearts... and the Eiffel Tower.
--Those who subscribe to Nietzsche's belief that "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger" apparently haven't stepped on Legos while barefoot.
-- Happiness is a container of General Tso's Chicken.
-- When one wants to find inspiration and encouragement, one needs to look no further than the victory screen of Nintendo's Pro Wrestling: "A WINNER IS YOU!" Take comfort, mankind, knowing full well that a winner is indeed YOU.
Some GoWilkes people I think are awesome.......
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SassyMama - Gorgeous and awesome
UncleDaddy - A good guy. Also a piiiiimp. But mainly just a really cool guy.
Cajahah - I like the way you think and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Various quotes I have collected over the years....
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redmachined - The next time you've got nearly $2000 worth of dental surgery and enough painkillers to knock out a Marine platoon and can spell everything correctly the first time, you let me know. Until then, cram it up your ass.
Otto - Thanks Spades... The terrorist have won. Any other crimes you want to ignore? Rape, pedophile, necrophilia, driving while liberal, elder abuse? Maybe smoking? Running a hot dog stand in Marlborough, MA?
BeanFreak: I think you should date him again. You should. And when you go out on your first date, you should put a pickle in your vagina. Leave it there all night. When you get back to your apartment, and the lovin' starts to happen, slip out of your panties...lie down on the bed...slowly spread your legs...and then say, "While we were apart, I took a vow. A vow to never let another man touch my vagina. I stuck a cucumber in there to stew in my love juice until the day you came back to me. Now, my love, this fine cucumber is now a pickle. Dine on your pickle, my love. Dine on your pussy pickle."
Cake Hunter: Sometimes I pee in the Heisman pose, sometimes I pretend I'm an airplane, sometimes I dress in Shakespearean costumes and say "Do you bite your thumb at me, sir!" to my pee.
Oscar_Madisons_cleaning_lady: Haven't worn a condom since the airport put a restraining order on me to stay 100 yards away from their wind sock....
kronicfeld in response to the exorcist thread: "as a general rule, do not solve puzzles that open portals to Hell."
tonkin on why the rich are taxed more : "Because liberals are pussies and conservatives have penis envy and moderates are too wishy washy to choose a side and your mother's a whore."
rickythepenguin trying to defend his love of reese witherspoon even though facts have proven she sucks in everything but Walk the Line: "She's the one that got fingerbanged, not me. She's the dirty godamm whore so don't judge me, is the point I'm trying to make. "
csteff in response to the most over the top emo love letter i've ever read : "You make me wish I smoked so I could put my cigarette out in your god damn eye."
barnacles, in the cybercheating thread, regarding where to pick up people : "I like the environment of the library too.....great place to rub one out while peering through the book stacks at the unknowing chick reading away, blissfully unaware of the jizz storm raging 10 feet behind her."
lawtalkingguy, after i praised him for what seemed like nonsnarky, good advice : "Thanks, Spades, but I have to confess I am just trying to get chicks with herpes to notice me. Gmail in profile ladies!!!"
brysky's comment after i told him my dog was having a leg amputated: "I'm your secret santa, and I'm sending you 3 rollerskates for your dog."
weidbrewer said of me : "your stories have a habit of going to to random places of awesomeness."
Crooow! : "A "Cool Kids Club" on a website is like having a MENSA sign-up at a NASCAR event"
heamer: "I like to put the "sensual" back into non-consensual."
Warren G. Harding, on what he'd like to hear God say when he gets to heaven: "Yeah, I know I was a bastard at times. But trust me, from up here that shiat was hilarious!"
What my last boss wrote about me on her yearly report.....
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I've known "Spades" for nearly ten years and for the majority of that time have worked closely with him on a number of projects.
During this time, his role ranged from analyst to lead analyst to technical director; and I would say he excelled in each.
"Spades" is a highly competent programmer with a keen knowledge of low-level machine and graphics architecture, mid-to-high level game systems and also has a firm grounding as a tools programmer.
He is genuinely self-motivated and works well both on his own and as part of a team.
His grounding in AS/400 and Unix is somewhat rare nowadays, but I find it to be invaluable when aiming high and trying to maximize performance on a particular architecture.
In combining all of these strengths he consistently proved to be an invaluable member of all the teams of which he's been a part.
In conclusion, I highly rate "Spades's" technical ability, and combined with his self-motivation and genuinely likeable character, would recommend him as part of any team.
Couple of things I picked up along the way :
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1. Never, ever, EVER mate with anything that you wouldn't show in the daytime, or be proud of the offspring. This is like walking around bushes with a gun with the safety disengaged. If that gun goes off, you better be prepared for the consequences. Also, it defeats the purpose of millions of years of evolution if you breed down. Run to the nearest mirror right now, and say to yourself, "I'm not breeding down! EVER! I deserve the nuclear physicist that looks like Alizee or Nicole Kidman! " That's the winner's attitude. Live by it, even if you're furiously fapping in your dorm room some nights, wondering why all of your friends are dating cheerleaders. Trust me, if you hold fast, you won't be tied to anything when Salma in the horn rim glasses has no one to help her with her Biochem midterm.
2. Start out all dating options by getting to know all the women you can, even the ones you don't want. 'Ugly'(and that's a damn relative term) women are usually talented, smart, and developed everything they haven't gotten genetically for free in life. Beautiful women are usually beautiful fark ups, used to a lifetime of valet service by dipwad males. The talented ones are outrageous allies, and when they get the uneven hots for you, move them to a good friend. Set them up. They will do you the favor later. Trust in this. Women are smarter than you. Don't try to emotionally outsmart a woman, you're playing in the wrong league with that.
3. Be a straight arrow. Be a gentleman to the core. That means no lying, cheating, stealing girlfriends, no breaking of hearts. If a woman wants to date you (or bang you, and once again, if they do, see rule #1) and you're 'occupied,' you should have the moral fortitude to look her in the eyes, and say, "Please forgive me. I am with someone right now, and if I wasn't, you'll be the first one I call, and trust me, what you're describing was what I've been thinking about too. But as you can imagine from this, I am a gentleman, and you would expect only the best behavior from me if we were together." Trust me. THEY WAIT FOR THAT. If they don't understand gentlemenly behavior, they're declared ineligible by Rule #1. Being honest about being honest does a woman good. Even the burned ones can't argue with that. You tell them that you're all about the honor, and their body language shifts. In their minds, they don't move on. They wait for you for availability. And if it works out, booyah. This has paid dividends for me sometimes three years down the road. The dividends of that investment were like nectar from the Gods, sweeter because I didn't hurt someone.
4. It never hurts to be direct. If you're interested in someone, then be interested, and stop wasting time. Tell it to them straight up. And when I say straight up, I mean using my classic line, which involves and hard stare with a smile and say, "So when are we going out for dinner?" If they say no, then immediately (meaning seconds later) explain your burning disappointment with that, citing all of their good qualities. Seconds later establish ground rules, telling them that you're not going to try to worm a friendship to get some lovins'. Then hold fast. If they want to move back to you, they will, but a gentleman never lies, and he never draws back on his word. He also says what he feels to women. End of discussion.
You will be happy if you use these rules. People will tell you a hojillion techniques to lure women, but the truth is that all the techniques in the world they will teach you to 'bag chicks' are deceptions that come with terrificly horrible late-interest payoffs. That 'bad payoff' might come against the love of your life.
Here's how you get women:
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Give up sucker. Women, throughout all of history, have always held the cards for love. They are the masters of it, and the best you can do is present yourself as much as possible, and let them weigh and judge the ones they want. You are, as a heterosexual male, downright genetically inferior in the ways of emotions. Playing emotional tricks on women is like asking David Blaine to 'pick a card from my hand.' The best thing you can do as a man is walk in a room with good personal grooming, a big smile on your face, a genuine feeling of contentment, and the open belief that no woman is out of your league. After that, smile, and talk to as many people as you can. Enjoy yourself. It's just college.
Finally, why do all of this? I will tell you why. I speak the truth about tricking women. I know, in my history, an absolute TON of individuals that were players in their lives, and I will tell you this: They're freaking miserable at 35. They all applied guerilla techniques on their honor, integrity, and behavior to get that hot chick at the bar, literally doing things that they would never want ANYONE to do to them, and it worked, they got to literally sexually ride another human for a night, or a week, or until it blew up. Like what an alcoholic does to their liver from a lifetime of drinking, they bruised their honor so much that they can't trust people. They went, to put it simply, TO THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE. They can't enter into a relationship honestly, and they're always looking for the next great 'Tilt-O-Whirl' at the bar on Friday. Now they're 35, lonely, and downright farking pathetic. What's more pathetic is that they did it to themselves, in the name of their wang.
Don't end up like those people. Remember, in the matters of the heart, the other person you're trying to crawl in the bed with is a freakin' human being too, and if you do miserable, dishonest things to them, you do them to yourself when you damage your own honor, leaving you wondering which way is up.
Nobody ever told me, "get out of the car, asshole!" at three AM. Nobody ever pulled me on the Maury show after they just pulled my blood. I love my intelligent, hot, red-headed, veterinarian wife with the power of a thousand white hot suns.
More importantly, I got more out of love than I should have ever gotten because I played with honor.
Now go out there, and find the love of your life.
Some other conversations that make me chuckle.....
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Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.
Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate: F**k
Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Bloodninja.
Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
Bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
Bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
Bloodninja: Don't f**k with me biznitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece.
Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?
....And then 30 minutes later.....
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f**k, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh s**t
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f((k up.
eminemBNJA: Oh s((t
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f**king charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: F**k am I hard now.
I.F.: You ready yet? Im bearing to go!
SexyKarla17: Yhea im slipping out of my clothes right now, what do you look like?
I.F.: a Kodiac bear
SexyKarla17: ?
I.F.: Im soft naked, fuzzy and waiting for you to come mount me
SexyKarla17: Oh I love cute fuzzy bears, I walk up and get on top of you stroking your soft hair, kissing you gently as my move my way down your stomach
I.F.: I growl to warm you my cubs are near
SexyKarla17: huh?
I.F.: Bears get f**kin pumped when anyone is near their cubs
Sexkarla17: yhea hehe dont be silly..
SexyKarla17: I love how you growl as I continue to kiss you, while taking off your pants.
I.F.: Bears dont wear pants and you should cover yourself in Honey now
SexyKarla17: hehe you would love to lick that off me huh. I pour honey all over my warm wet body waiting for you to start licking it off me slowly
I.F.: I sniff the air to see where the sweet scent of the honey is coming from, while slowly snorting and walking towards you
I.F.: I Growl again, and start to bite you
SexyKarla17: Yhea that feels good..ooooo...not too hard now
I.F.: I bite harder peeling flesh from your stomach, and look up into your eyes to show you my mouth dripping with your warm blood mixed with honey, I then I let my cubs rip apart your limbs and play with you like a ragdoll.
SexyKarla17: what the f**k?
I.F.:uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh and im spent.
Jdogg: Hey
QT-Pie: Hey
Jdogg: whats goin on
QT-Pie: Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg: Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie: what does that mean?
Jdogg: what are you wearing?
QT-Pie: T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg: Garter belt?
QT-Pie: Ummm...no.
Jdogg: Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg: Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your p*ssy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg: You leave everything to Jdogg.
Jdogg: I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie: This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.
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